Careers

I've been working at The Times for over twelve years now. On the more frustrating days I think that it's time to go and do something else. The problem is that I don't feel that I can. It is not an unfamiliar story. Even if I don't like the life that we have it still is the life that we have and I need to be a responsible adult.

At one of the first places I worked, Hunter College, I met a man who was in his early sixties and in his third career. He had started out as an accountant, went to law school and became a lawyer, and then worked until his retirement as a computer programmer. He seemed like the happiest man I had ever met. I told myself back then that this was the way that I wanted my career to go. So far, it hasn't turned out that way.

I am afraid of many things. I am afraid of taking a large pay cut that a new profession would likely entail. I'm afraid that if I leave this job that I won't be able to find another one. I'm afraid that my external obligations will get in the way of pursuing any other interests. I don't believe that these fears are unfounded. Last Spring I enrolled in a guitar class at The New School. The Sunday after the first class my mother broke her hip launching us into an odyssey that continues.

Sometimes I wonder if I shouldn't just try to be happy with what I have. Maybe learning to accept the "is-ness" of the situation is the secret to contentment. The quandary that I am in is that this goes against the things in my life that I am proud of. Twice we packed up and moved to Israel. Somehow, back then, we didn't worry about money. I worry more now. I find myself the sole wage earner and this seems like the time in life that I need to ensure that the girls get a solid start and we can have enough to suffice us in old age. I feel that only I can do that.

The other fear is that I won't succeed or if I do succeed it will still be too late for me. There are so many things that I want to do. I want to live in Israel as a productive member of that society, I want to write to inform and entertain, I want to explore the outdoors on my bicycle and on foot, I want to have good friends and good conversations. I want to take great photographs that allow people to see things that they haven't seen before.

Am I wanting too much?