Bills

I've spent the last two hours balancing our checkbook and paying bills. To have spent that much time you'd think that we were managing quite a fortune but, alas, it's just the our mundane middle class existence.

The reason for all of this bookkeeping is that we do so much electronically. Back in the day when most of our transactions were cash there was nothing to record. Now each trip to the supermarket is another receipt and another transaction to note. Maybe I'm being too rigourous but I like to know what is going out and coming in. In addition, some bills are paid auto-magically, some via electronic payment, and some by plain old check. The whole process seems out of control.

Tomorrow night I'll take care of my mother's bills and finances.

I did manage to do some good this evening. My company has a matching gifts program that matches dollar for dollar what I contribute. Our local library and NPR station will be a bit better off in a few days.

Shabbat

I've gotten increasingly nonreligious in the past few years. The more I read and the more I see the less the dogma and rituals make sense to me. Too many rules for too many strange reasons. There is also the smug attitude of religious folk that seems to say "I'm right and you're wrong".

Judaism does bring one thing to the table that I find very attractive; the idea of a day of rest. The Ten Commandments say "Honor the Sabbath and keep it holy" but Judaism has interpreted that to mean a day of rest. Now, of course, the Orthodox have taken that and made it a burden by the number of things that are prohibited and the torture that families have to go through to prepare for it. In our home we try to simplify it; no going to work, no homework, no radio, no computer, no shopping. We insist that everyone be home for a festive Friday night dinner complete with candles, challah, wine, and tablecloth. We allow some things that more traditional folks would frown on. We often watch a movie on Friday night, we'll use the phone and we'll travel to visit friends and relatives.

On Saturday mornings I'll sometimes go to synagogue. I enjoy the Torah reading but little else in the service. I find the repetitive nature of the service very annoying and the more I start translating the less I participate.

Yesterday, was a near perfect Shabbat. I got to sleep in and have a leisurely breakfast. I read the weekend newspaper and took a long walk through a part of town that I had never been through. In the late afternoon I even got to take a nap. In the evening we rented a move, Pumpkin which I wouldn't recommend. It was about a sonority girl who gets paired up with a guy for the Challenged Games and falls in love with him. Not a bad premise but the movie couldn't decide whether to be straight or satire.

Kerouac

Today during my lunch break I wandered over to the New York Public Library on 5th Avenue and 42nd Street and walked through the Kerouac exhibit. It's a remarkable collection of writings and memorabilia of someone who made a terrific mark on mid-20th century American culture.

Of course there's "the scroll", the manuscript of "On the Road" typed on butcher paper. What I found most remarkable was the material from his youth where he used to play games of fantasy baseball. What I found most remarkable was that I used to play a similiar game but with hockey. His were so much more realistic with made up teams and players and even newspaper articles about the games.

My fantasy players always were miscast. The great players in real life were poor or mediocre in the fantasy world and the bench warmers led the league. I guess my imaginary worlds weren't crafted as well as his. I haven't written an "On The Road" either.

Mid-Winter Blues

I've been having a very difficult time lately with keeping a positive disposition. I don't think that there is any particular event that triggered it but I am impatient with most of the things in my life and I don't see them getting any better.

Here's the thing; does it really matter? You as the reader don't care if I am happy or sad. I should be happy you think. I have a decent job, I have a wonderful family, we are all healthy. Much more from life one cannot ask.

I do know what the missing ingredient is

A shiny new Mercedes Benz with leather seats and a sun roof.

No, of course not. I don't drive and I make myself happier by talking myself out of purchases than actually making them. The thing that is missing for me is a shared sense of purpose that being part of community brings. I certainly have no community in Westfield and where I used to have some camaraderie at work the group that I am currently in seems to make a sport of how little time they can spend in the office. Sometimes during the summer Lake Huntington feels like an extended family. That disappears when we go to our respective homes in the Fall.

Tomorrow is another day and perhaps something will happen that will change the outlook. The only way to move on is to believe in change. Isn't that what all the Democratic candidates are saying?

Cars

Over the weekend I finished the book Oh Pure and Radiant Heart by Lydia Millet. It's a story with a rather odd premise. The scientists J. Robert Oppenheimer, Enrico Fermi, and Leo Szilard, major figures in the Manhattan Project that led to the creation of the atomic bomb, somehow appear in the year 2003 directly from the moment after the Trinity test in New Mexico.

The world, of course, does not know how to react to them. They in turn do not know how to interpret the world into which they have been thrust.

At one point in the book Oppenheimer comments to the young woman who has been their guide through their modern adventure that he believes that cars are the worst thing that has happened to the modern world. He remarks that no one ever walks, that the cars are a terrible waste of resources, and they have done nothing to bring civilization forward. I couldn't agree more.

As someone who doesn't drive I am amazed at how infrequently people get out of their cars. Certainly out here in the suburbs it is difficult for people to do the normal chores of shopping, visiting, extra-curricular activities without being driven there. Difficult but not impossible. Being a walker or biker, though, makes me seem like a freak. Out here it's another form of conspicuous consumption. High school kids drive to school even though the parking situation there is difficult.

Another reason that I don't belong here.

A Midwinter Evening

It must be the mid winter blues but I have no motivation tonight. I need a charge to getting me going at work and my hobbies need new inspiration. Maybe it's the lack of sunlight or maybe everything is just blah. I've spent the better part of the evening listlessly listening to the radio and taking care of some of my Mom's bills.

I returned to work today since I didn't feel sick enough to stay home another day. Other than being bored I didn't regret it. My mother always said that only boring people are bored. I try to remember that.

Out Sick

I've had a hacking cough for the past few days and after a sleepless night I decided to take today off. I'm not a big user of sick time and this is the first sick day I've taken in 7 months. Before that I think it had been more than 4 years since I took a sick day.

So, I spent the day sleeping, drinking tea, and reading old magazines. Not thrilling but I think that I'm feeling a bit better now. If I can get a good night's sleep I'll be back at work tomorrow. I didn't feel too bad about missing work because things are a bit slow now. We're at the point of talking about doing things in only the vaguest way. We were to have a meeting to decide on a vendor for an upcoming project but since the funding hasn't been approved and it could be a very long time before it is I wasn't sure what the point was and don't regret missing the meeting. What I think would have very little weight anyway since I think that the big boss has already decided based on some twisted reasoning of his own. So never mind the cost comparisons, spreadsheets, vendor interviews, and reference accounts.

Lenore has been piling up all of the "Jewish" magazines that have arrived over the past few years and mostly gone unread. There are old issues of Hadassah magazine, the United Synagogue of Conservative Judaism, B'nai Brith, and Jerusalem Reports. Today was a good day to make a dent in the pile. There was one article I found particularly thought provoking. It was about a woman who had discovered her Judaism in a small congregation in Colorado. When she moved to Austin, Texas she could not recreate the experience. In the end she pulled out of communal life completely and began to build a minyan of her own. At the writing there were only 2 families but she was hopeful.

Hairspray

Yesterday we attended a free screening of the movie Hairspray. I've always resisted seeing this because the idea of someone playing a cross dressing role never appealed to me. I should not have been so closed minded.

If you haven't seen it I highly recommend it. It's high energy and filled with lots of catchy and memorable songs. It's even got an appealing story. John Travolta is not to be missed as a woman.

The screening was followed by a question and answer with Nikki Blonsky who plays Tracy. It was quite cute with a lot of the questions going to the younger kids who clearly adored her. She's as peppy and enthusiastic in person as she is on film.

It was a fun outing for us too. It's rare that we get into New York City and the I was particularly taken with the number of people out and about on the street. As a native New Yorker (or Brooklynite in truth) it shouldn't really be so remarkable but, after so many years in
Westfield New Jersey, it felt good to be in a place where the car isn't king.

Reunion

My wife and daughter spent the better part of this week in Florida visiting my wife's mother. They returned this evening and now our home is back to raucous normalcy.

While they were gone things were too quiet. I've been coming home earlier than normal so my other daughter won't have to be home alone for too long. I've been home by 6:15 PM as opposed to my usual 7:30 PM. Our evenings were quiet with her time occuppied by homework and mine taken up with playing around on the computer and reading. Last night the two of us went out to dinner where we lingered unlike what we do during normal dinners.

After dinner this evening I played a game called Bananagram with my older daughter. It's kind of like Scrabble but you make the crosswords with your own letters and you can rearrange them. It's a good game because there is no scoring and even if you fall behind you can often win the game. My daughter won tonight.

I went skating again today but learned that the rink will only be open until Tuesday - boo! What will I do for fun after that?

Taxes

In today's mail was a little surprise. It was a tax bill from an audit that was done on my 2004 New York State tax return.

I can start by saying how ridiculous the whole tax structure is. I work in New York but live in New Jersey. This requires me to file 3 different sets of tax returns; one for the feds and then for the 2 states which lay claim to me. The tax software I use never seems to get it right and often doubles my income on one of the returns requiring a bit of manual intervention. When I looked at what New York was complaining about it appeared that an incorrect check box was highlighted on the return. Instead of checking Federal Income Tax Paid it checked General Sales Tax Paid. Apparently, not an allowable deduction in New York.

Now, of course, they could have figured this out if they bothered to look at the Federal return (or I daresay at the W4?) which they claim to have done and recognized which tax I indeed had paid. To add even a greater insult they are charging me interest of $120. Now I know why people are so excited about taxes. To think that tax dollars actually go to pay someone to harass people like me.

I'll, of course, file an appeal which I'll probably lose and have to pay even more interest. Now, I'll be on the "watch" list.

Skating Away

There's an ice skating rink in Bryant Park behind the New York Public Library that's open from late November until early February. It's free if you have your own skates and midday it is uncrowded. Yesterday and today I walked over and took a few turns around the ice.

I'm not sure why but I never learned to skate as a kid. I remember once while in college taking myself to the rink in Coney Island to see if I could do it. I've been out occasionally but I've never felt like I've gotten it.

About 2 years ago I saw an ad in the LL Bean catalog for "comfort skates" Rental skates were never comfortable so I thought I'd give these a try. We have an LL Bean Visa credit card so with every $1,000 we spend they send us a $10 gift certificate plus we get free shipping from LL Bean. I basically got these skates for free.

Monday was frustrating but I managed to stay on my feet. Today was a bit better getting a little speed up and managing not to think about falling all of the time. The weather today was in the balmy 60's and there is something magical about gliding around the ice with tall buildings on all sides. It also helps that everyone there seems happy and flushed with the glow of health.

Weather permitting I'll be there every day until they close for the season.

Short Sighted

That's the way I sometimes feel but it would be more precise to say that I'm near sighted. That means that I can't see to any great distance but these days the near distances (like the computer screen) are problematic too.

In actuality, this has been the problem all of my life. I was born with something called optic atrophy or, in English, an underdeveloped optic nerve. It makes it difficult for my eyes to focus and my eyes try to compensate by shaking which makes things a bit worse. I'm not blind but my vision is only correctable to 80/20 on a good day. When I'm tired or agitated it's a bit worse. This condition has prevented me from getting a drivers license and made things like going to baseball games an unrewarding experience.

So, a lot of my energy goes into coping. In school I needed to deal with being unable to see what was on the board no matter where I sat and as an adult I find those bright signs in the fast food restaurants almost impossible to read. You can imagine the limitations being unable to drive puts on where one can work and live.

An optometrist once convinced me that I could get a driver's license under a special program and training. I did the training, passed the road test, and actually drove a bit. I never got comfortable, though, and I felt that there was way too much that I wasn't seeing. I let the license lapse when I moved to Israel.

Here's the good news. I think that this "handicap" has made me a lot more clever than the average Joe. As a kid I had to somehow figure out what was happening in class without embarrassing myself. Sports also posed a challenge but I stopped playing softball as soon as I could and took up bicycling and hiking. As an adult I still try to avoid standing out and having to explain myself. Every day is a new challenge, though. I sometimes have to cross streets to read street signs and house numbers and now I need to be sure to carry a magnifying glass to read the print on most printed documents.

I had a friend from college who called me several years ago when her son was diagnosed with a severe eye disorder. She asked what she should do. My advice then was to treat him like she would any other kid; no special classes and no special treatment. This was the world he would have to live in and I was sure that he would become clever enough to deal with it. About 4 years ago we were invited to his Bar Mitzvah. He used a special device to read the Torah but he did it with no more mistakes than the typical 13 year old. I think I was as happy at his party as he was!

Walking Around

When I was a kid on the odd Sunday my father would take my sisters and me on long walks. I used to think of these walks as "getting lost". We would wander around seemingly for hours and end up in marinas, junk yards, and often at Nathan's Famous in Coney Island. I don't think I knew the reason why we took these walks but I can guess it was the result of my mother badgering my father to spend some time with the kids and let her have some time to herself.

Whatever the reason I have very fond memories of these walks and we have some great photographs of those outings.

Today my wife and I took a long walk with our oldest daughter. It really wasn't a walk to nowhere but it certainly reminded me of one. We walked to the next town, Clark, about 3.5 miles away. We stopped at the library and then at Barnes and Noble for a coffee and then continued back to Westfield. We were out wandering about for close to 4 hours and were delightfully tired when we got home. After a few days of frigid weather it was quite pleasant today and good to be out.

The odd thing about our town is that we could probably count on one hand the number of pedestrians we passed. It's seems incredible that no one seems to walk anywhere.

Scrabble

I'm addicted to this game. I'm not a superstar but I enjoy it particularly when I find someone evenly matched to compete against. Several months ago I discovered a web site which allows me to play whenever I'd like with people at the same level as me.

It's called the Internet Scrabble Club http://www.isc.ro/ and at the site you can download an applet that let's you find people at your skill level and your comfort level for length of game. My wife and I used to play often and we were pretty evenly matched. She played so slowly that it eventually became unbearable for me. I really don't think she misses playing with me.

This doesn't come without complications, though. There is a chat function in the software and some people can be a little too chatty. One game a guy trash talked through the whole thing and I couldn't believe how rattled it made me. Perhaps this is why I never was interested in competitive anything. I soon discovered two things about the site that made it much more bearable. There's a "quietplay" feature that doesn't let anyone talk to you while you are playing and their is a "no play" list that won't let any people who you have had unpleasant experiences with before challenge you.

So, while I write this I'm in my second game of the evening. I lost the first in a squeaker and I'm leading in the 2nd 240 - 208 with 10 tiles remaining.

Dreams

Last night I had a dream that I used to have a lot more frequently. In this dream I realize that I have to take a test. The problem is that I'm not sure exactly when or where the test is, I'm not sure what subject it's in and, I haven't been to the class for weeks. I've basically dropped out of something and I feel an obligation to go back and take the test despite the fact that I'm in no way prepared for it.

I realize that this dream is a way of expressing some deep feelings of anxiety. This dream ended up a little differently.

Either right before I woke or as I woke up I remember thinking, "I don't care. I've already got my degree so what does this matter?" When I woke up I was in a surprisingly good mood considering I had gone to bed in a lousy one.

Does this mean that I'm on the road to contentment?